For anyone who has been brave enough to walk through a healing season…I am so proud of you. Healing is not for the faint of heart. It takes time, it takes vulnerability, it takes your inner circle, but most importantly it takes God.

It has been 14 years since I left an abusive marriage. I have endured almost 18 years of trauma and abuse because the reality is even when you leave you relive those moments over and over in your head and in your dreams. Their words echo over and over in your mind when you are trying to move forward or do something amazing. There are times where these words paralyze you to the point of being stuck in time.

I was disassociated for a long time, I would be in a room of people and feel absolutely alone. Holidays, family get togethers, I was not living life. I was surviving. I have been in survival mode for most of my adult life. Constantly looking over my shoulder when I was in public, always looking for an escape plan, what if my abuser showed up? I steered clear of men because I did not want to be duped again by another man claiming to be a “Christian”.

Sidenote: Ladies, any man can profess to be a Christian, but a man of God walks the walk and talks the talk. A man of God covers you in prayer and the Word of God. He speaks to the lies that you believe and condemns them not you. A man of God has fruit in his life. Step back and watch the fruit for a season. People can pretend to be someone they are not for a season. Give people permission to speak into your life about your relationship, even if you do not want to hear what you have to say. True friends will hurt your feelings to save your life.

Over the past few years, I have set out on a journey with the Lord to deep dive into healing. There were times it was so hard I had to step back and say, “Okay Lord, I need a break, I cannot do this anymore.” He was so patient with me.

Deep diving into healing looked like this for me: every fear I had I was confronted head on with. Every lie I believed surfaced. Every place or thing that gave me a panic attack I had to face and overcome. Everything I have walked in this season has been for that purpose to confront these things which had held me captive.

One thing a year and a half ago I would tell you with all of the confidence in the world I would never do is have a conversation with my ex-husband. Sometimes we are so sure of ourselves, and God is probably laughing away thinking they think they are so smart. I can tell you with all certainty His ways are NOT my ways.

Some issues with my teenage daughter changed everything. My ex-husband reached out. He uttered the words…”Just so you know, I forgive you.”

I’m sorry…WHAT?!?! What did you just say? You forgive me? You forgive me for what? Knowing my worth and walking away? Protecting my kids from knowing the kind of man you are? Needless to say, this statement made me spiral. I was doing so well on my healing journey, and then BAM! I was angry again, resentful, bitter, full of unforgiveness. I lost it on him…not my finest moment in my Christian Walk.

I hung up the phone thinking I would NEVER speak to that man again. (Insert God and Jesus laughing at my absolute stupidity.) Things with my daughter did not improve, she is living in rebellion, deception, and is completely distracted from her God given assignment.

So, more conversations came…this time though was different. This time my ex-husband apologized to me. He let me be very open with how his actions, abuse, and words have affected me over the past several years. He allowed me to speak freely of the pain he caused and the fear I have lived in.

For the past several years I have prayed for that man. I have prayed that God would bless him. I have prayed that God would heal him. I have prayed that he would come into the Kingdom of God because ultimately, he was the father of my children. I did not want him in hell. I did not really want him on my side of heaven though either…but I figure if he makes it there, he must have changed.

For whatever reason, being able to face those fears, being able to talk freely about the abuse and the lies, and his sincere apology has set me free in a way I cannot even explain. My body came out of survival mode. I feel like a weight has been lifted off from my shoulders. My body is functioning properly again. I am no longer exhausted all the time. It is amazing the effects emotional healing can have on every area of your life.

Hear me when I say, I am not saying God is going to bring the person that wounded you the deepest back to apologize to you. God may supernaturally heal you or heal you through Godly counsel. What I am saying is you are worthy of healing. You are worth the effort. You are worthy of love and loving yourself is such a vital part of healing.

If you have been asking God for a sign…HERE IT IS! You are worth healing. Jesus came that we could have abundant life, not survive and hope heaven is better than earth. He wants you healed and whole while you are here on earth. Do not make what was done to you be bigger than what He did for you.

Your past has held you captive long enough. Surrender fully to God, He will walk, and some moments carry you through. He is faithful to restore you. Let him take your broken pieces and make a masterpiece.

Your story is not my story. Your story is unique. Your story will be filled with victory too. Your story will change lives. Someone needs to hear your story.